I’ve taken a bit of a break from the bad bitch thing because I’ve been subconsciously letting all my personal issues boil up within me and now they’re sloshing all over the place. I never confronted my sensitive side, I wouldn’t even acknowledge it because I felt that whenever I showed pain, sentiment, and sadness, I was exposing weakness, and I wanted nothing less than to appear weak.
Maybe I’m a smidge Machiavellian or I’m just not emotionally tuned in, but I always wanted to appear powerful, that everything was done with purpose. And trust me, I still want to be powerful and purposeful, but you can’t always be that way.
I’ve been feeling very isolated for the past few months and by not confronting those feelings of isolation, I’ve allowed my sadness and frustration to take over to the point in which I’ve started crying at school and using a bad math grade as an excuse for my breakdowns. My classmates probably think I’m a dramatic little binch, and I might be, but everything that has clogged my clarity is finally coming to a head.
Whenever I broke down or ranted about something, I would always ask “am I overreacting about nothing?” but according to my dear friend, “nothing is nothing.” If something bothers you, it’s something, whether it’s deep-rooted or on the surface.
And it’s not that I thought being sensitive was negative, but I never wanted to appear sensitive, I wanted to seem like that girl who did her own thing and didn’t think twice, that girl who seemed effortless captivating. But the thing is, that girl doesn’t exist because she’s human.
A human can’t run forever and not exhaust at some point, and it’s the same thing with emotions. We can’t keep putting on a face and pretend we don’t feel because we do, whether it’s joy or sadness or whatever else.
I already decided I’m not going to cry at school tomorrow, but that’s what I said last night. If I do cry though, who even cares, I’m just a seventeen year old who’s going through puberty and a hard time in life.